


Just a Kid

by TrashAYfanfiction



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Banana Fish Ending, Cannon compliant, Emotions, Everybody knows, Healing, M/M, Self-Harm, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-20 10:58:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16135823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashAYfanfiction/pseuds/TrashAYfanfiction
Summary: *spoilers for end of series*Eiji contacts other's.Post ending, Pre- Garden of Light





	Just a Kid

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SabyPhantomhive](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SabyPhantomhive/gifts).



> Imagine if Eiji contacted Ash’s mom to let her know that her son died. What would she feel?
> 
> Being a lot more explicit with my side characters knowing about Ash/Eiji’s relationship this time. I usually write 80’s, so it would make sense to keep them subtle, but perhaps Ash/Eiji’s love was just too prominent to ignore. The other characters had to have known.
> 
> I’m on Tumblr now. I don’t use it well, but I notify about fic updates and repost BF fanart https://www.tumblr.com/blog/trashayfanfiction

Ash had always carried the weight of his emotions behind his eyes. For someone so young, he had seen too much. Nobody deserved the life Ash had been given. Eiji wished Ash would have allowed him to take him away from that life.    
He would never forget him. He couldn’t forget Ash if he tried. If he wanted to. 

Sometimes he wanted to, because his heart hurt so bad. He wished it would go back to the way it was, before he’d known love.   
This boy he had been in love with, who had showed him the world. Ash had showed him the dark underbelly, but they also experienced a light together Eiji had never felt with anyone else.    
He didn’t realize it was love right away, he didn’t realize it was romance until much later. This person he would always have a connection to.   
It wasn’t always danger, Ash had taken him to fun places. He probably went to the fun places for Eiji’s sake, not seeming to know exactly what to do with himself when he got there. 

Eiji never knew the roof of a New York apartment building could be so tranquil, at the same time having a party in the same place was amazing. 

  
He remembered the thrill he felt when he first stole that car. Jumping into the driver’s seat to help a boy he barely knew. He blushed at the thought, it was a foolish move. He didn’t know why he did it, why he was drawn to this other human being. He remembered Ash yelling at him as soon as they got away. Ash telling him to go home.   
Ash always told him to go home, to go away from him. There was always a divide between what Ash wanted, and what he would allow himself to have. 

Eiji wished he would have back to Japan before the connection grew.   
He knew Ash died for his sake. Ash didn’t trust himself to stay away otherwise.   
Eiji wanted to yell, to tell him that sometimes people deserve happiness. Happiness is okay. Ash was not beyond saving, he could come down from that mountain. It frustrated him even more that these were all things he stated in his letter. His love letter. The declaration feelings, in case the other was too dense to admit it.  Ash knew, but wouldn’t let himself have it.   
He remembered the confusion, and then relief, in Ash’s eyes upon realizing Eiji loved him and didn’t want anything in return. There was no way Ash didn’t know his feelings.   
The blonde loved him too, despite being hesitant at first. Even in death Ash loved him.

  
Eiji was thankful for the time they had together in New York, Cape Cod, L.A…. all of it. Even the worst of moments helped him get to know Ash and made Eiji grow as a person. He wasn’t naive and 19 anymore.   
He thought about the times they shared in the safehouses together. He remembered the pictures Ash let him take. He thought about the ‘end’ of their relationship, 1987, when Ash was finally starting to let his guard fully down.   
Those pictures. Many were purely friendship, but one could easily see the progression, especially towards the end. He remembered the last set of pictures he took of Ash; rolling around in bed, morning light streaming through the window. It was the morning after their first night…. Their only night ‘together’ in that way, but they had been sleeping in the same bed for a while. It was 10am when he took the pictures. Ash hadn’t been asleep, but still refused to get up or get dressed. He had been so beautiful lying there, eyes sleepily opening and slowly smiling when he saw Eiji.    
Eiji needed to keep that expression.    
Ash had made him breakfast that day; Pancakes and maple syrup.  It was too sweet for Eiji’s taste, and it might as well have been lunchtime, but he wished the rest of his life could be like that.

Ash pulled Eiji down into the bed and kissed him. Eiji protested, telling him there were things to do, that staying in bed all day was unproductive. Ash whined and pouted.   
Their friendship never faded as their relationship grew, just more layers were added. The last couple pictures he took of Ash were intentionally. Those were his feelings at the time. For the first time he thought he understood the nuances of photography; light, framing, and capturing the emotions of the moment. Before he understood it only on a base level of objectively making things look good.   
He remembered that morning. The grin wouldn’t leave Ash’s face. Pure, giddy bliss - he had never seen that expression on Ash before. Eiji still couldn’t believe what they did. He must have seemed worried because Ash hugged him. Full body. Ash had never initiated a hug before.   
“I had a good time, don’t worry,” he whispered into Eiji’s ear. ‘I love you’ was implied.   

Eiji still felt his heart flutter.   
It had taken nearly two years to get to this point. He never intended this. He never imagined this being the outcome of meeting a violent street punk in an underground bar. It just happened. Their souls had called out to each other.    
……………………………………………………………………………………..   
When he was shot, Ash was his motivation to get better. Things changed the day Ibe got off the phone. Concerned but not crying; It wasn’t Japanese to cry. Eiji could see what he could only describe as dread on the older man’s face as they made eye contact.   
Eiji couldn’t process. Everyone decided he would be the last to know. All of his emotions came rushing forward. Shock, fear, disbelief, denial…. Denial. Ash had died before, this was the same. This was the same! This had to be the same.    
Sing. Sing had said, “He can’t wait to see you again.” Ash was coming to Japan. He was! He was…..

He had been in Japan a little under a month when he got the call.   
It was months before Eiji could believe it.   
He kept waiting for Ash’s call. A letter. Some sign from Ash, saying how he was away and safe and _ maybe  _ couldn’t come to Japan anymore, but they would still be friends.    
Eiji’s wounds healed slowly. Slower than they should have. His doctor told him something about having the will to live. Told him to think of all he had to look forward to when he got better.

Eiji had nothing to look forward to.   
He didn’t want to get better. He didn’t want to get better if Ash wasn’t coming. What did he have if he didn’t have Ash?   
His mother was worried about him. His sister saw his broken heart. She let him be and didn’t question him about it. His grandmother seemed to know too, she told him “These things happen. Life moves on,”

. His dad had passed away of liver disease when he was still in America, he was still in denial about his guilt of not being there for that.   
  
He didn’t want life to move on. He wanted to be with Ash. This was unfair to Ash. He lived such a hard life he deserved peace.

Ash had always been ready for death.   
Eiji wondered if death was the peace Ash had chosen.    
  
……………………………………………………………………………………   
Eiji felt ready for death. He had felt despair before, clinical depression after his injury and losing his scholarship. They had given him pills for it. His injury had taken his one love, but it was nothing like this. His heart ached. His soul ached. This was nothing like the slump before leaving for America. His soul had died, and it wasn't coming back.    
He wouldn’t kill himself, Ash wouldn’t have wanted that, but he wanted an outlet for the pain? Ash couldn’t argue with needing an outlet.

He wondered what it would be like _ to be close to _ death. Nobody needed to know. 

He wondered what Ash felt, bleeding out for those long hours before death came. He never really thought about the feeling of his own blood on his skin before, the warmth. The sting of the initial wound and the adrenaline that followed. 

Ash could have been okay. Max told him Ash could have made it to the hospital.

 

Max was always telling people too much. If Max hadn’t told him, maybe he wouldn’t have gotten this idea. He pressed the blade into his abdomen, right above where he got shot. It wasn’t deep, just enough to draw blood. It was scarred anyways, nobody would see what he’d done. 

He wondered if this was similar to what Ash felt.

  
He washed the blood away in the shower.

 

If America had taught him anything, this was a normal thing. Most people had problems. Max had PTSD, anger issues, and a mild drinking problem. Jessica was no better after being raped. Even Yut Lung had reasons for the way he was, Eiji sensed. Nobody had a good life.    
But Ash…. Ash had it worse than anyone.   
  
The golden hair and bright smile. Ash’s fierce loyalty and wit. Surprisingly self-sacrificing for someone so exceptional. Somebody who led by actions; A true leader. A good friend. Somebody who could never be replaced…. He tried not to think that most people were called ‘irreplaceable’. He let Eiji try to soothe his pain.

  
Ash had never wanted to be exceptional. His uniqueness was one of the reasons why he had suffered so much.   
  
Eiji reminded himself that Ash thought  _ he  _ was exceptional. Eiji, of all people. Average grades, average family, average looks, dark eyes and dark hair, completely unremarkable; His pole vaulting skill his only pride. ….and probably the only reason he stood out there was because so few competed….

  
Ash was strange. Ash could have had anyone, and yet chose him. 

 

He loved him…….   
  
  
Eiji needed to go back to New York. Ash was there. Ash’s soul needed him.

  
He needed to let others know what happened. Maybe this could be healing.   
…………………………………………………………….   
When he got back, Max was writing another novel. He remembered Ash saying that Max was a writer.    
Max asked him if he was okay being interviewed, that he wouldn’t name Eiji by name.    
Eiji asked him why. He wasn’t important to the events of Banana Fish.    
Max kind of snorted at him. A huffing, chuckling sort of sound, “This isn’t just about Banana Fish. It’s about the people who were affected by it. I want to tell their stories,”

  
There were questions about Ash. “You knew Ash better than anyone else,”   
The sentence struck him.   
He had known Ash better than anyone hadn’t he? At the time he hadn’t thought about it. He was honored that Ash had let him into his life. He knew there were few Ash let in.   
  
Max asked questions about Eiji’s feelings at the time, motivations why wanted to stay in America and in danger. Eiji was sure Max knew, but probably wanted it in Eiji’s own words.   
Max never asked if Ash was his lover, but he was curious if it was so obvious that it didn’t need to be asked. Retrospectively, he realized how transparent their love had been.   
He offered Max some of the pictures he took. Max smiled and it actually reached his eyes.

  
A good sign. Eiji wished he was still able to smile like that.   
Ash was the reason he was here. He should let Max tell Ash’s story too.   
  
  
That night he thought about Ash. He washed blood down the sink. It was hard to think about how close he’d been to Ash. He wished he could have taken enough of the boy’s pain.   
…………………………………………………………………………..   
  
Eiji found Ash’s gang through Sing. He was the only person Eiji had remained in contact with after arriving in Japan. Sing wasn’t one who let him know about Ash’s death though…. He wondered if Sing didn’t want to hurt him that way.   
  
As expected, Ash’s gang already knew. At first, they figured he had went to Japan; not saying goodbye would be characteristic…. But the rumors were around the street that he died… The more time passed, the more those rumors seemed to be true.    
Sing’s gang said he had killed Lao, but Lao had got him good in return. They bragged about it, that someone finally killed the Great Ash Lynx. Alex spat at them, saying they were animals and they could keep dreaming.    
Ash’s gang didn’t want it to be true, but Eiji showing up confirmed it.   
They were sad, but not in the same sense Eiji was. They saw it as a romantic departure, going out with a bang. A “that’s how I want to go” sort of way. “He was part of the streets, nobody gets out, even him. That’s kind of comforting,” They were so surrounded by death and violence that Ash being gone wasn’t out of the ordinary. The ‘just didn’t think it would ever happen to him.’    
Ash seemed to have a mythic status among them, but they seemed to forget he was human too.   
“He must have really loved you,” They told him, referring to letting Eiji see Ash’s human side.   
Eiji laughed, he would have traded any love just to get Ash back. 

  
“I don’t know if I would have wanted to see his human side,” Alex said offhand, “Then I’d need to see all the shit he’d been through,”

 

Humans bleed…. Humans die. Ash was human. 

……………………………………………………..   
He told Cain next. Alex directed where to find him. The large man laughed when Eiji first showed up in Harlem. “Yeah, I thought you two catz was cozy,” Is what he said when Eiji began crying, telling him Ash’s fate. “You didn’t belong in the same type of world as him.”  Cain shook his head in pity.   
Cain did seem sad, looking off into the distance. His sunglasses hid his eyes, but Eiji could feel it in his body language and asked him about it, about his feeling on Ash being gone.    
“One of the best white boys I knew. The good ones always die though. The world isn’t ready for them. One of these days the world will be reborn or some shit, and then the good people will succeed. Ash was a little bit of both; good and bad. I think that’s why he stayed around for so long. You were lucky to have him for the time you did, kid. Don’t forget him,”

  
Eiji had no plans on forgetting him. He debated scratching Ash’s name into his skin that night. He decided against it.

 

Ash wouldn’t want him doing that.   
……………………………………………………….   
Eiji stopped by Chinatown to see Sing.    
Their meeting was short. They didn’t talk much.   
He wished Eiji luck and said, “Whatever you need to do, man. I’m here for you. Stay in touch,”   
  
He would never tell Eiji how Ash died. He couldn’t bear the thought.    
  


He hoped Eiji would be okay.   
…………………………………………………………   
Blanca found him next.    
Blanca just showed up. It was in Central Park. Eiji was startled, but he had wanted to contact the man. He had grown accustomed to how the ex-assassin worked.    
“What are you doing, stirring up trouble again in New York?” Dark eyes looked down on him, a practiced benign lighthearted gaze. 

  
  


Ash. Ash had loved this man too…. This might be the only other person who knew Ash like he did; the good and the bad.

 

He couldn’t help himself.

  
Eiji clutched him, sobbing into his chest. He couldn’t help it, Blanca might have been the only other person who saw Ash as a human.... Reluctantly the tall man caressed his shoulder.    
“I know, I miss him too. I’m here to help you.”   
Eiji was never surprised that the Russian man was a good person. He had hoped Ash could have turned out like him someday.   
  


He kept his razors in his bag that night.   
………………………………………………………………………………   
Blanca gave Eiji a ride out to Cape Cod. He sat casually off to the side while Eiji talked to Jim, listening to every word.    
Blanca had never contacted Ash’s family. He had never wanted to know. 

  
Ash’s dad was an interesting one.

  
“Hey! I remember you!” The gruff voice and large finger pointed at Eiji, “You came in here with Aslan and a few other guys a while back. Geez kid, your English has improved,”   
Eiji wanted to grumble at the man, tell him that yes, anyone’s English would improve after living in America for two years.

He chose to smile politely.   
“You still around hanging around Aslan?”   
“No,” Eiji swallowed. It would do no good getting choked up here. He doubted he would get any sympathy from Jim, “I am here because I have things to tell you about Ash,”   
Jim sat him down and poured him a drink. “On the house,” he said, “Did he end up showing that mafia don a thing or two?” He was much more welcoming than last time, perhaps this would go well.   
Eiji played with the drink. He could smell the alcohol and knew he’d have a hard time downing it. He had never liked hard liquor.    
“Ah… Yes. He did,” His sentence was careful and slow. How should he bring it up? What would Jim say?   
“So where’s he off to now? In Tajuana on the beach with all the goods? Does he have a hefty chunk of money he wants to give to his dear old dad?” Jim grinned. Eiji didn’t know if it was supposed to be a joke. He remembered how callous Jim was to Ash when Eiji first met him.

He wondered how anyone could hate Ash so much. He understood family shame, but it wasn’t Ash’s fault what happened….. He can’t imagine the scars of being rejected by his own father.

 

“I-I don’t think he got any money, but Ash accomplished what he set out to do,” Ash had stole and stashed much of Golzine’s fortune earlier, but he wasn't going to tell Jim that.   
“Yeah? The little bastard always was persistent,” Jim said it affectionately, Eiji still found it unpleasant.   
“Please don’t refer to him like that,”   
“Why?”   
“Its unkind to refer to the dead,”   
‘Ash is dead,’ is what Eiji wanted to say. He wanted to scream it. Rarely did he feel this boiling storm, but to have a man in front of him who had been so openly dismissive of his own son. Someone who’s presence Ash hated and feared. ….so self-serving….. He stayed calm. If he flew off the handle, the tears would come out. Tears and rage.    
Ash had been all tears and rage. Frustration. Anguish. Especially during the end, when Eiji got shot. He remembered the screaming. Never before had he heard anything like that.   
  
Jim stopped organizing the bar and stared at him blankly. Eiji was frustrated that yet again, no one could realize Ash was a person, that he could be killed.     
  
“He’s dead?” The response was dumb, empty of everything but shock.   
“Yes, he is dead.” He snapped, “Why do you think I’m here!” The vexation trembled through his voice. High emotions made his accent more perceptible.

Purely deer-in-the-headlights….   
“How did he go? He was a vicious son of a bitch. I bet he went out swinging,”   
“I-I don’t know. Gang violence. I wasn’t there.”   
“I’m kinda surprised somebody finally got the jump on him. I thought GRID would get him before that,”   
“Ash is dead!! Do you not care!?” He didn’t mean to shout…. It’s just…. Ash… somebody.

  
“Why yes, Kid, I do care. Just give me a minute to absorb it okay!”

 

Eiji tried. 

 

“So he’s really dead, hun?”

“Yes! He is gone!” Eiji slammed his hands on the table in frustration, “You are his father! You are supposed to care more!”

  
“Why are you so invested kid? Were you his lover or something?” The question probably wasn’t meant to be invasive, just an offhanded exasperated question.   
“Maybe,” Eiji’s indignation was barely bridled, “Somebody needed to love him,”   
He watched as Jim took this in. A revelation he was not entirely surprised of. Slight disgust but contained.   
“He was just using you kid, being in love with him is a mistake. If you want to fuck him, he’ll let ya, but he’s only doing it for his own benefit.”   
“That is not true! Ash was very hurt! And you did not help him!”    
“At first I felt bad for him. Hell, I felt bad for him even after he ran away! But when I find out he’s alive just to be whoring himself out? He was literally the pet of some kingpin. I think the cop was right, he must have seduced the guy; only killed the man when he realized their time was going to end.”   
He stared Eiji down. Eiji defiantly stared back, too flustered to make a good retort in English, so he held his tongue.    
“I don’t need to hear from some little faggot about all the things my queer son did with you. How much you ‘loved’ him, or ‘cared’ about him. He’d dead now. People die. It’s a relief he died; for me, for him, for everyone.”   
  


……..   
Blanca walked him out and they got back on the road.   
Eiji didn’t know why he even wanted to tell Jim.    
He did think Jim cared under the gruff exterior. He just didn’t know how to show it.    
Eiji wondered what Ash would have been like if he stayed living at home…….   
They drove in silence, Blanca’s face grim.   
  
Eiji started the conversation, “….I don’t think I know your real name,”   
The large man slowly smiled, “Then let me introduce myself,”

 

…………………………….

That night he thought about Ash. He felt sorry for him. Maybe peace was the answer.   
…………………………………………………………………………………….   
The last person they found was Ash’s mom.   
Blanca helped him, but it still took a few days to get the details worked out.    
They stayed in a hotel in Ash’s hometown. Eiji tried not to think about the summer Ash and him had spent here.    
  
He didn’t know if one should cry more for a dead friend or a dead lover. Ash was both. Blanca let him cry. He kept his razor blades tucked in his suitcase. He was wanting to use them less and less. Perhaps telling people was good for him, even if not everyone was good.   
  
Ash’s mom wasn’t anyone exceptional.    
  
She worked at a small hotel in Rhode Island. She watched the front desk and was the bartender for the establishment. It was used more by the locals than guests.    
  
She was aged but beautiful. Eiji could see Ash in her. It made his heart hurt. Even in her forties, her thin limbs moved with grace and flowing blonde hair glistened. Her green eyes were stunning but sharp, just like her son. He pulled on Blanca’s coat, discouraging him from chatting her up first. 

She looked tired in a perpetually exhausted sort of way, but she was making it through.   
She seemed surprised when they walked in the door, and for the first time Eiji realized what strange traveling companions him and the large man were.   
  
  
He didn’t know how to talk to her. He didn’t know what to say. 

 

He introduced himself and made small talk. She made doe eyes at Blanca. Sergei, Eiji corrected himself. The man had a name. They talked enough to confirm she was who she looked like and Eiji diverted her attention by mentioning her son.  

“I know a boy who looks like you, I am curious if you are related. His name is Aslan Callenreese,”

She backed up, her genial bartender act switching for a second to on guard. She really reminded him of Ash. She was ready to bolt or fight, Eiji didn’t know which.

“He was my friend,” Eiji told her. 

“And I took care of him,” Sergei chimed in, jovial personality soothing her nerves.

“Yes?” Her interest was obvious. Her face asked who he was, how he turned out, how they knew him. His life. She wanted to know all of it.

“He was an amazing person,”   
  


They stayed until closing. Both Eiji and Sergei sharing stories. Eiji had never just sat with Sergei and talked about Ash. He learned many things about young Ash’s personality and interests, all through the lense of someone who was trying to help him.

 

She was amused and told them she was happy her boy had such good friends and people who loved him. She had sometimes wondered if his life was a good one.

Eiji and Sergei lied to her, but it was the truth everybody had wanted.

 

They never heard from her again, but Eiji didn’t feel like he needed to.

Sergei also disappeared, his goal accomplished.    
………..   
Eiji wouldn’t say he was better after that. He didn’t think he would ever be ‘better’, but life became more bearable. He missed Ash, but he moved to New York where Ash was all around him.

**Author's Note:**

> GRID- Gay-related immune deficiency (GRID) was the original name for a disease currently known as AIDS
> 
> This piece kept giving me issues. I feel it's one of my weakest written pieces. I scrapped the ending last min. The initial outline didn’t take long, but it kept not flowing well. I’m still Iffy on the last two parts, but posting it anyways because I’m frustrated and done. Will edit more later maybe.
> 
> Also, I want to learn to make Podfics, because I love them. If anybody wants to make Podfics of my stuff, contact me, I would be honored. I am currently struggling through tutorials on how to DIY.


End file.
